Duo's Twisted Holiday Tales
by rjones2818
Summary: Duo torments Quatre with twisted holiday stories. Releana and Wufei bashing. Mild Yaoi
1. Default Chapter

How Schmedley the Rat saved Christmas  
  
Disclaimers: As far as I know, Schmedley is mine. Don't own GW...doing this for fun...  
sort of.  
  
-Begin Story-  
  
Four of the Gundam Pilots sat around the table in the main dining hall of one of Quatre's estates. They had just finished a lavish Christmas Eve meal and were enjoying being gorged (well..Duo was enjoying being gorged. The other boys had all eaten a moderate amount of food).  
  
Duo: Burp! That was great!  
  
Heero: My complements to the chef!  
  
Trowa: The salad was amazing!  
  
Quatre: Ummm...my own secret recipe for the dressing!  
  
Trowa: Grin Wink Yummy!  
  
Duo: I don't wanna know....  
  
Heero: That might explain....  
  
Trowa: Saving Quatre So what's the deal with Wufei not bing here?  
  
Duo: He's spending the evening at Peacecraft Castle. Something about wanting to give Relena a special present.  
  
Heero: Yeah, I stuck a card for the clinic in his wallet.  
  
All: ROTFL.  
  
Heero: I guess I shouldn't make fun. Since they've been dating I've only been stalked by Relena 54 times in three weeks.  
  
Duo: Do you think she'll stop if they get married?  
  
Heero: No. But cutting back is better than what it was. I'll have to get Wufei some Viagra for Chinese New Year!  
  
Duo: Snicker  
  
Quatre: On that happy note, Duo has agreed to tell us a Christmas story before we retire for the evening. I've got hot chocolate on the stove.  
  
Trowa: Concerned Cat, are you sure? You know what Duo's stories are like.  
  
Quatre: Duo's assured me this has a somewhat happy ending.  
  
Duo: Smiling evilly Yep! It's a story about how Christmas got saved!  
  
Heero: You've not told me this one, either!  
  
Duo: It's a goody!  
  
Quatre: Why don't you guys go to the den and I'll get the hot chocolate.  
  
Trow: I'll help!  
  
Quatre: Thank you, my love!  
  
*72 minutes later*  
  
Quatre and Trowa enter the den slightly flushed and dressed in a combination of each other's clothing. They find Heero and Duo similarly adorned.  
  
Duo: Hey Trow: You're pants are a bit short!  
  
Trowa: Since when has priest's garb included spandex?  
  
Heero: He's got you there, Duo!  
  
Quatre: Seems we all had the same idea....  
  
Duo: Yep! When Wufei's away, the boiz will play!  
  
Quatre: Well here are your drinks, how about a story?  
  
Quatre handed Heero and Duo a steaming beer stein filled with hot chocolate and marshmallows. Heero looked at the concoction warily.  
  
Quatre: Don't worry, there's no 'special sauce' in the hot chocolate.  
  
Heero: whew  
  
All settled comfortably onto opposite sofas. Quatre curled up into Trowa's arms while Heero opened his laptop to check his e-mail during the story. Duo, after chugging about ½ of his hot chocolate stood and started.  
  
Duo: ahem This is the story of how Schmedley the rat saved Christmas. It was Christmas Eve in 1632. Santa was very ill and delirious. There was no way he was going to be able to do his usual delivery. Now, you have to understand that Santa had never missed a Christmas delivery, so there were no back-up plans for what was going to happen. Santa was in his sick bed and saw something moving, and in his delirium pointed and said 'You there, save Christmas' and promptly fainted.  
  
Heero: So far so good  
  
Duo: Schmedley the rat (who at Santa's command magically became 6' 2" and decked out in Santa's uniform) looked at Santa and realized that if he didn't do what Santa commanded 1) He'd probably be out of a great gig, and 2) He'd miss the chance to fly around the world and learn how jolly old St. Nick did it all. All he said was "Eeeek," which in rat language meant "Sure thing, old man." Schmedley ran to the sleigh, which was already loaded, and climbed on board. He grabbed the reins and said "Eeeek," which meant "On Dancer, on Prancer..." yadda, yadda, yadda. The reindeer, not understanding rat-ese didn't move. Schmedley, who by now had decided that he would be known as Rat-a Clause for the evening, ran back to Santa's room and grabbed the biggest whip he could find from Santa and Mrs. Clause's collection of toys and went back to the sleigh. He mad sure the reindeer saw the whip (which was about 10 feet long with a heavy spiked ball at the end) and climbed back in the sleigh. Grabbing the reins again he grabbed the reins in one hand. With the whip in his other hand, Rat-a Claus yelled "Eeek." The reindeer, being smart enough to know that Schmedley would probably use the whip unmercifully on them took off.  
  
Trowa: Leave it to Duo to add S&M to a Christmas story. How're you holding out, Cat?"  
  
Quatre could only answer with big eyes and by clutching closely to Trowa.  
  
Trowa: He's ok so far.  
  
Duo: Good. It's not that much longer.  
  
Heero: I'll have something from an e-mail to tell you after he's through.  
  
Duo: Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah! Schmedley and the reindeer made their way around the world and delivered all of their toys. Their final destination was in London. After he had delivered his last toy, Rat-a Clause was about to go up his final chimney and get back into his sleigh when he heard the slightest sound from inside the room where he was. He looked around and saw the cutest young rat child he had ever seen. The young rat named Cindy snicker walked up to Schmedley and said "Eeeek!" which meant "Santa, why don't you give gifts to the young rats?"  
  
Heero: Duo, can you do direct translation without the "Eeeks"?  
  
Duo: I guess so. Anyhow, Rat-a Clause looked at Cindy the rat and said "I don't deliver gifts to young rats 'cause rats know the real meaning of Christmas and don't need a commercialized version. That, plus we get to feast for weeks on the extra food that gets thrown out by the wasteful humans." As he was doing this, Schmedley was itching at one of his fleas. He then got the most wonderful idea. "I'll tell you what Cindy! Just because you were so nice, I'll give you some pets in a moment!" Schmedley then walked into another room and talked to his fleas and explained the idea of Christmas to them and asked if they would become Cindy's pets. The fleas, being moved by Schmedley's request agreed. Rat-a Clause then returned to Cindy and said "They've agreed." All of Schmedley's fleas then jumped (because fleas can't fly) over to Cindy who said "Oh, Santa, this will be the best Christmas ever!" Rat-a Clause then sent Cindy back to bed, flew up the chimney, climbed into the sleigh and along with the reindeer returned to the North Pole. Once there, Schmedley returned to regular size and ran to his hovel to celebrate the day with all of his rat buddies.  
  
Trowa: Didn't Santa thank him?  
  
Duo: Well, once Santa found out that is was Schmedley who did the deed, his first thought was 'My God, what have I done?' and then he did go and thank Schmedley personally. It wasn't until preparing for Christmas 1633 that Santa realized just what had happened.  
  
Quatre: Wh...which was???  
  
Duo: smiling Schmedley's fleas were the cause of the outbreak of the plague in London that became known as the 'Black Death.'  
  
Quatre: Ooooooh. Clutching Trowa tighter And how's there a happy ending to all of this?  
  
Duo: Well, 1) Santa instituted a plan for such emergencies (although, amazingly enough, he's never missed a Christmas since), 2) There'd be no story of Rudolph if it weren't for Schmedley, and 3) Santa's work load was much lighter for several years.  
  
Quatre: I...I...I see, I think. Thanks for the story, Duo.  
  
Trowa: Checks Quatre's heart beat You know, I think Quatre will be fine by tomorrow morning, Duo.  
  
Duo: Wonderful.  
  
Heero: Your story might help to explain the e-mail.  
  
Duo: How's that?  
  
Heero: There's been an accident at Castle Peacecraft!  
  
Duo: gulp  
  
Heero: Apparently Relena and Wufei decided to make out under the Christmas tree.  
  
Trowa: And?  
  
Heero: The tree happened to have several rats tied to it and they pulled it over and then attacked the two.  
  
Quatre: brightening a bit And?  
  
Heero: The two of them will be fine, but they will be scarred for life and Relena will be a vegetable from where the rats bit them. Oh, and it looks like Wufei won't be fathering any children.  
  
Duo: under his breath I was hoping they'd wait so we'd get the message in the morning.  
  
Heero: What was that?  
  
Duo: I was saying that I was hoping you'd not find out until morning.   
  
Heero: Why? death glare  
  
Duo: Merry Christmas. That's my big gift to you.  
  
Heero: suddenly beaming It's the best gift ever!  
  
Duo: Really? Well then, happy holidays!  
  
They boys all went to their rooms and made out like bunnies for the rest of the evening and well into the night!  
  
-End Story- 


	2. Smedly the Temple Rat and the Origins of...

Smedly the Temple Rat and the Origins of Easter.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own GW. I'm doing this for fun. Sort of.  
  
Note: If you are easily offended by religious imagery that is not of the mainstream, please do not read this story. You have been warned.  
  
-Begin Story-  
  
Duo smiled as he looked at the chocolate bunnies and the eggs he had just dyed. Easter was always one of his favorite holidays. When he was a child, it always meant some extra food and rare treats. These days, it meant that he could watch Heero down on all fours searching for that last egg on his mission. Duo always managed to jump Heero and screw his brains out when he was searching for that last egg.  
  
Duo also smiled as he looked across the room where the rest of the pilots all sat. Heero was at the table tapping away on his laptop, Wufei was curled up on the recliner, Trowa was stretched out on the sofa next to Quatre, who was taped and strapped where he sat.  
  
"Duo, I don't know if I can go through another one of your stories." Quatre looked very worried as he talked to Duo.  
  
"Well, Quatre, you lost the bet" Duo smirked.  
  
"How did I know Heero could last that long with you giving him head so ferociously?" Quatre shook his head is disbelief as he remembered the hour he watched his two friends.  
  
"All I do is think of Relena" Heero chuckled as he looked at his bound friends predicament. He felt sorry for Quatre, for he knew how much Cat struggled with Duo's stories. On the other hand, he got an hour long blow job from Duo.  
  
Trowa smiled at his koi and said "I know what will help afterwords." He then bent over and whispered in Cat's ear. Quatre, of course, turned several shades of red in his face, but his smile brightened the room incredibly.  
  
"Let's get this over with then, Duo" Quatre murmured.  
  
Duo noticed the bulge in Cat's pants and surmised what Trowa's 'help' consisted of, and then he began. "This is the story of Smedly ben Smed, the temple rat, and the origins of Easter."  
  
"Duo, is that the same rat as in the Christmas story?" Wufei asked.  
  
"Of course not, Wu-bear, it's his ancestor." Duo laughed out loud at Wufei's reaction to his endearment, which consisted of a scrunched up face and a middle finger salute.  
  
"As you might surmise, Smedly lived in Jerusalem in the temple. Well, in fact it was only one of his homes, as we will find out later. In fact, he lived in the Holy of Holies where the Ark of the Covenant would have been kept if it hadn't been lost some 600 years earlier."  
  
"But wasn't that on the Rock?" Quatre asked, knowing something of the history of the Dome of the Rock, which sat even today on the sight of the Jewish temple. "How could he build a hovel there?"  
  
"There's actually a hole in the rock that runs into a cave within the Temple Mount. Smedly's hovel was built inside and outcropping within the hole." Duo smiled as Quatre considered the possibility and nodded. "Anyway, this particular day, Smedly was awoken by the sound of the High Priest saying his prayers rather loudly. And Smedly had a roaring hangover, as he had been out partying with his friends the night before. Well, Smedly climbed out of his hovel and made his way out from under the curtains of the Holy of Holies. He saw where the High Priest lay prostrate in front of the Rock and silently made his way toward him. When the rat reached the Priest, he bit his ankle as hard as he could. The Priest shouted out 'God damn you, rat.'   
  
"Needless to say, no sooner did the words leave the Priest's mouth than a bolt of lightning flashed and took out the priest. A deep voice from all around the room rumbled 'Smedly, you know better than that. That's the third one this month!'  
  
Smedly smiled and said to his close, personal friend YHWH "Eeeek," which translates out to 'Yeah, I know, Lord. But I do so love to see you powers at work.'  
  
"A great, rumbling chuckle filled the room, and then all was quiet."  
  
"Smedly was friends with God?" Trowa looked surprised.  
  
"Yeppers, Tro. Smedly and his family have always been servants of the Lord, so their family gets cut a little slack. Maybe I'll tell you the story of Smedly's ancestor who was involved in the Adam and Eve affair." Duo grinned as he saw Trowa's upraised eyebrow.   
  
Duo continued "Now that Smedly was up, he didn't feel like going back to sleep, so he headed out to meet some of his friends. He approached a house near Gethsemene, and he headed out to the garden. There, he found his best human friend. Smedly said 'Eeeek', which translated out to...."  
  
"Duo, what have I told you about 'Eeeek'?" Heero death glared his lover.  
  
"No engine and caboose if I 'Eeeek' too much?" Duo look chagrined.  
  
"Yeppers. And, unless there's a really good reason, one more 'Eeeek' is one too many." Heero smirked as he saw his baka consider the threat of no sex.  
  
"I have to use it later, it's important to the story." Duo's eyes pleaded with Heero to understand.  
  
"I'll be the judge of that" smiled Heero evilly.  
  
Duo frowned as he heard Wufei chuckle and mutter "Engine and caboose, how weak."  
  
"And how long has it been since you've been laid?" Duo smiled broadly as Wufei buried his head in a magazine that he was holding. "OK, now where were we. Ah yes, Smedly said "Hiya Yeshua ben YHWH. How're you doing?"  
  
Trowa interrupted. "Yeshua ben YHWH?"  
  
"He means Jesus" Quatre chimed in. "That would be his actual name rather than the one that we are all used to." Quatre's smile widened as Trowa leaned over and gave him a quick French kiss.  
  
Five minutes later, oblivious to the other pilots' transfixed and horny stares, Tro and Cat finished.  
  
Duo stammered "Ummm, let's see. Jesus answered 'I'm fine Smedly, and how are you?'   
  
"To which the rat said 'I've heard that tonight's the night for the Roman's to come to get you.'   
  
"Jesus answered 'I know, of course. I'm not looking forward to it, but it must be done.'  
  
"Smedly looked at his friend's sad countenance and asked 'Is there anything I can do?'  
  
"Jesus allowed a brief smile and said 'I'm sure you'll find something, my friend. Anywho, I need to get ready for supper tonight."  
  
"The temple rat smiled at his friend and bade him farewell. Smedly then went to his hovel in the Garden of Gethsemene, ate his lunch, and curled up for a nap, which turned into a long sleep. He awoke to the sounds of soldiers coming and preparing to take Jesus away. Smedly decided that he couldn't allow this to happen and ran out of his hovel. He saw the leader of the Romans talking to Peter, and Smedly charged the centurion, jumped and sank his teeth into the soldier's calf. The soldier yelped and angrily said to Peter 'You brought him here, didn't you?' while pointing at Smedly who was preparing for another attack.  
  
"Peter saw Smedly and said "I don't know him," which was the truth, for Smedly only hung out with Jesus and Judas. Smedly charged up a tree limb, jumping and biting the centurion on the bicep.  
  
"The soldier yelped again and said angrily at Peter 'He's your doing, isn't he?' all the while watching the rat prepare for another attack.  
  
"The apostle said 'I've never seen him before in my life!' as he saw Smedly race toward the centurion with fangs bared. Smedly leaped and caught the centurion in the ass.  
  
"The shock of Smedly's bite knocked the Roman over and he shouted at Peter 'You brought him here, didn't you?'  
  
"Peter saw the rat move toward Jesus and yelled back to the centurion 'I've not seen that rat before. Can't you get that through your thick head. I've never, ever, seen him before in my life.' And with that, the centurion rose and looked at Peter angrily and turned toward Jesus.  
  
"Christ looked down at his friend Smedly, who was now by his side and said 'You've done well, my friend. I didn't know how Peter's denial would work out, but it's good enough. Go home and get some sleep. I'll see you at Galgotha tomorrow.'  
  
"Smedly said farewell and headed toward his hovel at Galgotha. He awoke the next day to the sounds of a crowd that had gathered at the sight. He also heard what he thought was Jesus's voice. Smedly crawled out of his hovel, saw that Jesus was on the cross and yelled 'EEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!!' which translated out to 'EEEEEEEEEEEEK!"  
  
Heero looked at Duo and Duo said "Well, it was either that or 'How's it hanging, Jesus?"  
  
Tro and Wu-bear both looked as if they expected Duo to be hit by that bolt of lightning. Quatre stared and looked absolutely mortified. Heero looked at his baka and said "I'll go warm the engineer up a little." and headed toward the bedrooms.  
  
Duo grinned and noticed a tightening of his pants. Deciding that it was a good idea to head upstairs, he said "Well, you know the rest of the story. And Smedly had done the Lord's work again, so his family received many benefits, including finding a bag with 30 pieces of silver that had been dropped next to a tree with a body hanging from it. So that's the story of Smedly the Temple Rat and the Origins of Easter. My, that story made me tired. I think I'll head up to bed now." With that, Duo ran toward the stairs, managing to shake his ass suggestively as he ran past Wufei, who's nose burst into a bleeding frenzy.  
  
"God damn you, Duo!" Wufei yelled right before a flash of lightning struck him.  
  
Trowa unbound Quatre, who had been shook from his catatonic state by the lightning, and led him toward the bedroom. Quatre looked at the charred remains of the pilot and said "Choo-choo!"  
  
-End Story- 


End file.
